Thursday, June 7, 2012

Snot on my shoulders

I apologize in advance for the following. I'm just gonna be real for a second...Is that OK? Alright, So here goes.... UGHGHGH I am a GERM A PHOBE!!! My poor baby Butter is drooling and snotting everywhere and I'm pretty sure at one point in the day, I said the words, "Stop Snotting on me!" Mature right? I know... but it just puts me on edge. I love my kids, and enjoy loving on them when they are sick but when it comes to ridiculous amounts of wet grossness, mixed with unending crying, I just have anxiety. I mean maybe I am a horrible mom for feeling this way but I know I can not be the only one out there who deals with these feelings.Then there is the opposite side of the spectrum and that is the invisible snot! The kind you can hear but can not see.. I'm really not sure which is worse for me to handle, the sound or the sight. Cowboy is dealing with that side. And for whatever reason he has forgotten how to BLOW his nose so I bet you can guess what I'm hearing all day long and the frustration that overwhelms me when I say blow and he sucks it in. Add that to constant whining back and fourth, and one aggravating the other, (mainly the bigger one not leaving the little one alone) I have been living on the edge dealing with snot and cranky boys for a few days now. Lou is still at her cousins house until this evening and I am praying that when she returns to boogerville, that she does not catch it again. They all just got over this coughing, runny nose nonsense and were fine for a week :( It saddens me because I don't like seeing them miserable, and my kids never get sick so this is really all new to me ! My husband has also been swamped with work, which is a love hate thing. I love that he is so busy and has work but it bites at the same time. This little green guy has become my best friend but yet causing me to be feared in the eyes of the little people :(

I know I have probably done things today out of frustration and said things to them that jolted their little spirits. They don't deserve that. I am not perfect. I mess up, and I cant go back and change it. I am trying to be transparent for the sake of just maybe one person out there may stumble upon this and know they aren't alone. I needed to write this for myself mainly to look back on to know that its ok to have bad days, we all have things that we deal with that makes us turn "Crazy" but its how we deal with it that matters. I have been taking deep breaths and praying constantly because I know this too will pass...Ive had to go in my bathroom a few times today and just pray God, FORGIVE ME, I MESSED UP....AGAIN and AGAIN.... please be my rock today, my helper, I need some Grace. Ironically enough, I have also laughed a good bit knowing that God is using this little situation to make me stronger. Snot of all things? I mean just reading that, its such a dumb thing. On edge over some snot and tears? It is such a small thing but its what has turned that bad switch on in my brain. In the past I have tried fixing things on my own, trying to control every situation on my own or wanting someone else to fix it for me. Basically telling God, I'm bigger than you are because I got this. Or thinking oh such and such will handle it. Putting my trust and faith in myself or someone other than him. Who am I without him? Who am I to think that Little ole me can fix it all... I still struggle in this area because I just recently realized what I was doing. But this marks a milestone in my life a small step towards a victory. I may have failed today and lost it but I also won in the sense that I gained wisdom and guidance. I put God before myself today, and let him lead the rest of the way. It was super hard and I still had my moments of weakness after going to him, but I can finally see what he means that his power will be shown through my weakness. Today is just one of many examples of why the title of my blog is called Learning in Grace.... And only one out of thousands of my weaknesses.... Note to self- His Grace is sufficient for you ;)

They deserve the BEST me I can be.

No comments:

Post a Comment